I’m lying everyday

Because I have a chronic illness, I am forced to lie every day. When you see people at work or the grocery store or when you see a neighbor across the street, our standard greeting today is usually some form of “how are you?” It is at this point that I am forced to lie, for the benefit of all. To the person asking, they certainly don’t want to know how I really am. How am I supposed to convey the enormity of how this disease affects me every day of my life? How can I explain the impact of how I feel physically, mentally and emotionally? How should I explain my life to them when they simply ask me to be nice, as a social greeting? For my own benefit, I’d like to keep seeing that person and have a little chat after today, so I’ll just keep lying and saying “Fine, how are you?”

Then there are the closest relationships we have, like our family and friends. Those most familiar with our disease probably know at least a little about it; they have done some homework and know the signs and symptoms. These are the people in my life who ask me more detailed questions like “does it hurt in the rain today?” or “Do you want me to drop you off at the door today?” I feel like I owe these people a little more honesty, but only a little. My family and friends have indicated that they are genuinely interested in my well-being and want to know how I am doing and I appreciate it. Therefore, I will share a little more. I will acknowledge that my joints or muscles ache or that I have a fever or pain and accept their offers to drop off or carry my packages. Even on my bad days when I just don’t want to talk to anyone, I’ll acknowledge in a text that I’m having a bad day (so I don’t have to have a conversation). If they push me, I’ll talk about specific symptoms or throw out a comment or two, but usually it’s in an effort to calm them down. While I appreciate the effort, I find it very difficult to be honest even with these people, the people I love the most. Why? Because they shouldn’t know everything; I don’t want them to know everything. They will be understanding, but they will also feel sorry for me. They will try to understand, but they can’t and I don’t want them to. We try to shield the people we love from the reality of our lives. Every once in a while, I have a moment where I can’t hide my struggles and cry or explain how I feel, but I try to keep these moments few and far between. They shouldn’t have to think about, let alone worry about, these things I deal with on a daily basis. It doesn’t accomplish anything. I try to remain the person I have always been, both for myself and for them.

Finally, I lie to myself every day. I wake up in the morning and I am convinced that I feel good and that I am going to achieve a lot! I have great expectations of being able to do everything I want to do. I’m going to do some housework, I’m going to walk, I’m going to eat right, I’m going to do some mindfulness, and I’m going to stay positive. Actually, I’m going to do a fraction of these things. However, I will remain optimistic and positive and be thankful for the things that I AM capable of. If I was allowed to be honest, I couldn’t handle it. I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. I am simply unable to wake up in the morning knowing that I will never be able to do everything I want to do. I can’t wake up and acknowledge the fact that I will only be able to do certain things based on how I feel, not just that day, but literally from hour to hour. Above all, I can’t deal with the emotional and mental toll this takes on me. Being consumed by thoughts of what if, what now, what does this mean, if I’m okay, feeling sorry for myself, feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself… it’s exhausting! So if physical limitations and pain don’t bring you down, the rest will. So yes, I lie to myself every day. I tell myself that I’m going to do all these things, that I’m going to feel good today, that I’m not going to think about any of it, that I’m going to stay positive. If I didn’t lie to myself I would break and I can’t let that happen. I’m going to do everything I can do today and I’ll be happy with it. I’m going to bed tonight hoping I can get enough rest to do it again tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I will wake up, lie to myself and start the day with the belief that everything is fine.