Ten essential things to deal with children in mixed families

Help! The new love of my life already has children!

The new love of your life is a single parent who may be divorced, widowed, or separated; and you are thinking of having a mixed family. Now you wonder what to do to make your second marriage harmonious, as you want to form a lasting and loving relationship with your children and the merged families.

So what are the 10 ‘must-haves’? Well, they are:

1. Honestly verify your commitment and understand the consequences of your choices.

Will you be able to face a ‘ready made’ family? Do your lifestyle, character, profession, well-being and morals fit the duties and time needed by the children? Are you ‘tough’ enough for the unwanted inquiries, comments, and stories that people who influence children might lead them to believe?

Above all, however, are you ready to commit to his parents? In all likelihood, they will have already suffered a lot of pain, so if you are not willing to get involved, think very carefully before they get too close to you and then their hearts would break again.

2. Introduce yourself slowly.

Your partner’s kids may be used to having it all to themselves, so when you, a stranger comes around all the time, they can get confused. If they are teenagers, they may look at you suspiciously and be protective of their parents or jealous that you take it (into their eyes). Their habitual presence can cause a sudden big change, so you need to act carefully. Definitely not just “moving in”, even if the kids are very young. Start by joining your partner on an occasional outing, don’t get too familiar with them or your partner (not even the question of whether you will hold hands in front of them at first), and most of all, take the time to establish a relationship. relationship. with them, showing a genuine interest in who they are and what they are interested in. Let them get to know you, as you get to know them.

3. Be honest about who you are.

You can present yourself as a friend of your parents at first, but never lie to children, as this will generate mistrust on all levels. Let them know (politely) that you and your parents date and take care of each other.

Four. Mix into the family lifestyle.

The family name ‘Blended’ has a reason. You can’t just break in and suggest or make too many changes, demands, or new rules. You first have to learn how the family works together, as they worked well before you arrived. Be sensitive; creating aversion will set you back a lot. Most disputes happen accidentally or without malice; it still takes a long time to recover from them. As much as possible, never disagree with your new partner in front of your children, or punish them yourself, or show disrespect for their traditions, values, and family members, especially your other biological parent. You can choose your confrontations for really serious matters, but keep your ethics focused. Over time, you can start to suggest different shapes or bring your own values ​​into the mix, but don’t be too hasty.

5. Give them space.

Before you came, children will have had exclusive access to their parents, so they may not feel comfortable discussing their innermost thoughts with a new person in their parents’ lives. Give them space, let them stay in their rooms if they are sad but don’t want to talk, find an excuse to leave the house if you find out they want to talk to their biological father, and don’t assume that you are welcome at school counseling sessions or at night. of parents / teachers. He hopes to be invited to his space, his friends and their hearts.

6. Be willing to take the blows.

Young people can be very cruel with their words, especially when they are spoken in a moment of emotion! Here you need thick skin. Don Miguel Ruiz in his four agreements emphasizes that Agreement # 3 ‘Don’t take it personally’, a truer word is never said than in the relationship between stepparents and their stepchildren. If the child is being personal, then be an adult and explain gently but firmly why his behavior is unacceptable.

7. Discuss rules, correction and fight with them with your partner while the kids are out.

When you need to discuss the relationship and interaction between your partner, you, and the stepchildren, be sure to do so out of earshot. Either he talks when they are away or he is together without them. Children have an innate sense when talking about them or something that impacts them. They have a strange way of showing up at the wrong time or listening and can lose the essence of the discussion. If you have an argument with your partner on the subject, this will only cause more problems.

8. Prevent overcompensation.

Overcompensation can come in many forms, financial, physical, verbal, or simply spoiling them. Also, if you have children of your own, overcompensating or treating your stepchildren differently will create problems for your own part of the family. Always treat them with kindness, love, care, and respect. Allowing them to get away with it or letting them get away with unacceptable behavior will only lead to problems later on.

9. Don’t criticize the “other” biological parent..

Always keep your tongue when it comes to the other biological parent. Having an opinion, making sarcastic comments, negative comments or criticizing them is the fastest way to take a giant step in your relationship with your new family. Just remember, the same thing will not happen the other way around, so prepare for some evil deeds as you are likely to be seen as your replacement, both in the lives of your partner and in the lives of your children.

10. Let the children decide how you fit into their lives..

Let the children take the lead; Your job is to build confidence, be sensitive, and be an adult. Think about the relationship you would like to have with them (friend or sister are not the best), perhaps similar to your favorite aunt, a trusted advisor or mentor are some of the good ones. Also, don’t try to get them to call you mom or dad, they might one day, but that should be their decision, even if they are very young now and it seems logical, or they pick it up from their friends.

Working in a second marriage can be unnerving, and having fused families can become very difficult if you are not prepared for it.