Relationship

The seven worst things you can say to a new mom

Most of you already know that I have seven children. Mom, I’ve heard it all. I was there, I did that, I bought the shirt. Finally I reduced the rudest comments to the first seven, one for each child. So if you are clueless or your mouth tends to get overloaded, take careful note and DO NOT say these seven things.

1. When does it expire?

Okay, it’s true. That belly takes a while to come down (if it ever does). Meanwhile, everyone who loves this new mom tells her how beautiful she is and compliments her on how quickly she’s getting her figure back (even if she’s not). All it takes is for a stranger to come and wait: “When is delivery time?” and her whole self-image is shattered. In short, if you’re not sure, don’t ask. For the love of all that is holy, please don’t ask.

2. Well, when I gave birth …

Here’s the deal. A new mom is enjoying the pain, pleasure, and glory of her birth. Let her tell you everything, but only if she really wants to. One thing she does NOT want to hear is when you, your wife, your daughter, your boss, or your cute sister in Los Angeles gave birth. You can pretend you’re interested, but you’re not. She is just being polite. And if your pretty sister in Los Angeles gave birth naturally in a water lily-laden puddle and was fitting into her jeans next week so she could do her modeling shoot, then she’s probably trying to look interested while holding back the vomit. , which is especially difficult. Don’t put her through heartbreak.

3. Are you breastfeeding?

This falls into one of those “no beeswax” categories. Sure, we all know the merits of breastfeeding. I’m definitely pro-lacto and have the nipples to prove it (no bragging rights, just the facts, Jack). If you are breastfeeding, great! If you’re not breastfeeding, great! I was breastfed and am quite healthy. My husband was not breastfed and he is also very healthy. Now if you’re talking about mental health, he’s probably better off than me. Do what’s best for you and don’t try to save the world one boobie at a time.

4. You’ll be back in your blue jeans in no time.

He may already be back in his blue jeans. She was that big when she started. You really don’t want to go there. Idiot’s Guide to New Moms: Tell her she looks wonderful, fantastic, beautiful. But don’t comment on her size or weight unless it’s totally obvious she’s putting a Giselle on you and getting ready to walk the catwalk on angel wings. Oh, and don’t tell her she’s beaming. This is a comment that is intended for pregnant women and generally means “you look very flushed, as if your head is about to explode.”

5. Are you planning to have more?

If it is, then it is. Let your mother-in-law and OB / GYN get this kind of curiosity, but not you. You want to talk about the baby or your new life as a mom, or maybe you just want to complain a little or a lot. She isn’t thinking that far down the road yet, so don’t push her. Right now she is getting used to her new “normal” – don’t make her think of anything else. Your brain can turn into a syrupy liquid and ooze from your ears.

6. Did you break any?

Really? Do I need to include this? Yes, obviously I do, as I’ve been asked this before. At first, I was stunned. But, then God whispered the perfect word in my head in response. I simply looked at the questioning woman in a puzzled way and asked her, “Where?”

7. Do you need help?

At first this seems like a nice thing to say. But a new mom will never do it, and I repeat, she will NEVER tell you that she needs help. You can also yell, “I am a failure!” No sir, it won’t happen. Even if he’s hanging by a thread, he’ll smile and say, “No, that’s fine, we’re doing fine. Thanks anyway.” This is where you must catch the bull by the horns. Don’t ask if you need help because you need it. It is unavoidable. Just tell him what you are going to do. “I’m bringing a meal, so tell me what you like.” or “I’m going to clean the house, so tell me when would be a good time.” She can’t reject you. And if you do, you have already fallen over the edge mentally or have a hired staff of people to help you. If he is mentally gone, offer him medication. If you have hired help, lay eggs at home.

There you go. Follow this guide and you can’t go wrong. And remember, if you’re not really sure what to say, then keep your ever loving mouth shut. Smile and say hello, Mom. Smiles and greets.

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