How can I stop hating myself for my affair?
Sometimes I hear from people who are so mad at themselves for cheating or having an affair, that they have come to hate not only their actions, but they hate themselves. I heard of a woman who said, “I cheated on my husband. It was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life and I spend every second of every day regretting it. My husband says he will try to forgive me and we are working to save our marriage. I want that more than anything. The problem is that I’m so mad at myself. I literally hate myself. And these feelings are hurting my marriage. Because I feel like I don’t deserve my husband. So I’m always crying and apologizing and it frustrates my husband. My husband. He says he’d rather I didn’t bring this up constantly so we can get on with their lives. I can’t seem to help it. When I look at myself in the mirror, I’m so disgusted with myself that I have to look away. What? What can I do? Because I’m really struggling.”
I can’t say I knew how this wife felt because I didn’t. I was the spouse who was cheated on instead of the spouse who was cheated on. However, when I hear of spouses who are as sincere as this wife, my heart goes out to them. And while she couldn’t tell him that she had no reason to be angry with herself (because she did), she could assure him that her hate for her and her anger didn’t really have a healthy place in her life. I’ll tell you why in the next article.
Hating yourself is not helping your spouse: Let me try to help you see things a little more clearly. Probably one of the main reasons you hate yourself right now is because you feel so sorry for what this has done to your spouse. You love your spouse and feel so much regret that your actions have hurt them. Therefore, you hate yourself because it is you who have hurt them. Here’s the thing though. Your anger and self-hatred is doing nothing to help your spouse. Your hate isn’t helping your spouse heal and probably won’t make them feel any better. So in that sense, it’s a waste. Nothing positive comes out of it. And, as a result, their marriage doesn’t improve. In fact, these feelings are not doing you any good. They are hurting you instead of helping you. So it is better that you stay away from them and use your energy in something that is really useful.
Moving towards something constructive that makes a real difference: One way to start moving away from these destructive feelings is to move toward things that will heal. So instead of hating yourself, what can you do to help your spouse? Well, you can become responsible and accountable. You can become the partner your spouse needs and wants. He can work tirelessly to restore trust. You can do many things to offer your spouse reassurance and affection. In short, you want to use your energy to heal instead of using your energy to harm.
The next time you feel your hate and anger driving you, redirect them. Instead of doing something destructive to yourself, do something nice for your spouse. Instead of wallowing in your thoughts, call your spouse and tell them how much you love them. When you’re filled with self-doubt, take inventory and make sure you’re doing everything you can to remove all doubt about his trustworthiness and loyalty. When you are angry about your actions, be sure to set it so that your future actions are ones that you can be very proud of. Because the best way to make sure your hate fades is to meet it with love. And if from today you live your life with integrity and truth, eventually you will know that you do everything you can to correct this mistake.
No, you can’t take it back and that can be heartbreaking. But you have control over the future. You can control your future actions, and you can do everything in your power to strengthen your marriage and help your spouse heal. And you can become the kind of spouse that makes your partner very happy. If you can have the kind of marriage that makes you feel fulfilled and proves that you are rehabilitated and trustworthy, then continuing to hate yourself is just a waste of time and is groundless anyway.