A borderline lesbian love!

Are you in a relationship with a woman and find yourself asking questions (often) like “Why did she hurt me?”, “How did I get involved with her?” and “Why is she acting like this? Do you feel like your relationship is out of control and every move you make has the butterfly effect, causing a hurricane minutes later?”

About 6 million people in the United States have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), most of them women. If you are in a relationship with a woman with BPD, her behavior is affecting you. Women with BPD are often described as emotionally or verbally abusive, manipulative, deceitful, invalidating, demanding, lacking empathy, moody, self-destructive (drug/alcoholic and/or sexually impulsive), illogical, unfair, self-absorbed, and abusive towards others. children. Now this is important, you don’t have to have all of these to have this disorder. There must be enough influence from these traits to cause chaos in your life and relationships.

A trained mental health professional can make a diagnosis if you decide you have this disorder or if you are with a partner who may be affected by these character traits. Like most disorders, it is manageable, just like diabetes; however, it requires treatment and awareness of symptoms and coping skills.

Most Borderlines are a powerful force and cause fear in a relationship. The woman who loves a borderline feels “brainwashed” by the accusations and criticisms of her partner. They will make you feel powerless, isolated, they will make you doubt what you know and feel, they will wear you down and keep you on your toes (in a scary way!). If you feel this way and want to regain control of your life and make better decisions, you should go and talk to someone who has experience with the disorder.

In our women’s community we are bound to come across a woman affected by BPD (it affects more women than men remember!). We can’t always help who we fall in love with, but we can have the knowledge and power to protect ourselves and the wisdom to walk away. Some loves are not worth the pain, unfortunately, sometimes being healthy means knowing what is best for you and feeling the pain of letting go. If you choose to stay in such a relationship, knowing what triggers certain emotions in you and your partner can help you better manage the interaction in your relationship.

Borderline personalities have predictable behavior patterns (it’s the pattern that matters!), derived from nine traits found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), as well as false beliefs. Understanding how your partner’s emotions and behaviors affect you, how you react, and how that in turn affects your partner will shed light on the cycle of your relationship. Some patterns to look for:

• Extreme projection: They attribute their own lack of self-esteem to someone else. Saying things like “I’m not in control, you are!” “Stop yelling at me” and “You always treat me like shit.”
• Division: everything is black and white or good and bad. If you are not with them, then you are against them, and that can mean war!
• Everything is your fault. It is an outpouring of continual blame and criticism. If you’re saying “I can’t do anything right!” you have been absorbed.
• My needs are more important. It’s all about them and if you do what they need, it’ll all be good for you. They will do everything possible to satisfy their own needs.
• I win, you lose or nobody wins! Basically damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
• Keep your distance! No, I mean get a little closer (this will drive you crazy!) I want you close, but feel useless and scared if you find out I need you (no, this isn’t devilishly charming). The love you/hate you game will wear you down like sandpaper on a string.
• Verbal abuse: domination, aggression, abusive expectations, unpredictable responses, denial and CHAOS. “I’m telling you this to make you a better person!”
• Emotional blackmail: they are masters at manipulation, that is why limits will be important to develop a healthy cycle.

This is just the surface of the information available to you. There are a lot of resources and information out there. Unfortunately, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people are at increased risk for mental health disorders and suicidal behavior, which may be due in part to prejudice, social stress, social shame about sexuality, and lack of support. That’s why, as a community, we need to strengthen the support, resources and communication between us. Some resources available are: Oz’s online community for LGBT family members with a borderline loved one and the book series stop walking on eggshells.

Also, it’s not about judging a woman affected by BPD, but about making healthier choices (hopefully in pursuit of happiness). The more you know about your surroundings, the better decisions you can make for yourself and your family. We all have rights, personal rights, make sure you take a moment to recognize them and make decisions not to avoid short-term pain but to find long-term health, love and happiness.

Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru