Do men really get screwed over a divorce?

Do men really screw over a divorce? I know this contradicts the cultural view that women facing divorce are really the victims, but by average standards, if you look at the studies and actual results, men are victims too.

Here’s something to get you started. Seven out of 10 divorces are initiated by women across the United States. According to Divorce-Lawyer-Source.com, 70% of divorces involving children result in the mother gaining custody.

Here is another fact. According to WebMD, divorced men are two and a half times more likely to commit suicide than married men. Divorce appears to take a greater emotional toll on men than on women. In general, men make fools of themselves in custody battles, having to deal with a tarnished reputation and dismal consequences.

Marriage can suck, I know. But divorce for a man is like a train moving at 70 miles per hour and hitting him on the railroad tracks.

These are the things that men typically experience when a divorce occurs:

1. A feeling of remorse. Was it that bad? The Yorkshire Building Society shows that 56% of men experience remorse and regret for a failed marriage compared to 45% of women.

2. Sense of shame. “Everyone knows about me now.” That’s huge for a guy.

3. A feeling of betrayal.

4. An overwhelming feeling of emotional turmoil.

5. Great economic distress.

I have taken a different approach to the whole subject of male divorce and how it affects men after interviewing many men who have dealt with the pain of divorce, listening to them in training sessions, and reviewing numerous studies and research on divorce.

This is what I see as the alternate reality in divorce cases:

1. Remorse is good. It means you’re in the mode of acknowledging your role in the whole mess. It takes two people to create a mess. No one is totally innocent. No one is totally to blame. Enlightenment and changes are often born in the midst of remorse. Don’t walk away from it.

2. Shame is normal in this circumstance. Who wants their dirty laundry to be exposed to the world, to the children, to the family by a “crazy” wife? Just don’t be hard on yourself. This is embarrassing! When you embrace the concept that the “accuser,” psychologically speaking, ALWAYS has more problems than the “accused,” you can turn your pain into growth. That’s the key!

3. Betrayal is only in the eyes of the beholder! It’s what you choose to believe that will get you! A woman who betrays her husband has to betray her own PROMISE to him first! Self-betrayal is the worst kind of self-punishment anyone can inflict on themselves! She can never “betray” you if she chooses not to be her victim! Enough talk! Hurts? Of course it does. Here’s one more thing about betrayal. It doesn’t matter when or how… when a woman betrays a guy, chances are she has betrayed herself in other areas before and she will do it again and again. Get over. It’s her character that’s on display, not yours!

4. An overwhelming feeling of emotional turmoil. Well, of course! What do you think? Divorce is worse than death. Death is terminal. Divorce is a pending issue for the rest of your life. Divorce means dealing with a huge emotional overload for a long, long time. I think that men are more fragile, emotionally speaking, than women. Men know how to conquer and fight as long as there is something to conquer and fight for. Women are survivors. Women are wired differently. They are made for guerrilla warfare. I understand? Be easy on yourself.

5. Great economic distress. Initially, women are never perceived as “gold diggers”, but their survival instinct should never be underestimated. Hear the saying? “First time for love, second time for money?” That’s a woman’s dream once she walks the halls of “divorce land.” Loving women can turn into “bloodthirsty wolves” in a matter of days. When faced with financial hardship, I say, “Treat it like you would a bankruptcy situation. Be honest. Do the best you can and take this opportunity to show your best side.”

Here are the things you can do right now to move on with your life before you think DIVORCE FAILED YOU! (You always have control over what you believe)

1. Life is made of “belief systems.”
what you believe about a

situation is more important than the reality of what happened to you

you. If you think you were wrong, you have. If you don’t, you didn’t! Is it that simple or what? You have a choice. Always.

2. Allow yourself time to cry.
Guys have a hard time dealing with emotions. The women who leave them do not want to see the boy crying or showing emotions. They don’t know what to do with it. They run faster! Remember? Women are survivors! Cry, feel the pain, be emotional. There’s nothing wrong. You just experienced a great loss!!!

3. Clean up your life proactively and quickly.

This is the best time to do it. Take a good look at the reasons why your wife left you. Be honest with yourself. Write down those reasons and address them. If you need to go back to your children or to the people you have offended with the traits your wife accuses you of, she goes back to those people and ask their forgiveness. Don’t use that time to make yourself look innocent, good, or a victim. Losers do that. Real man, he apologizes and moves on. Get rid of any emotional baggage. Stay away from unhealthy relationships, especially if they involve other women. Confess and do what you need to do spiritually to experience renewal and a sense of meaning. Go back to church. Join a support group.

4. Stop blaming!

Guys who blame a woman for their misery are losers! Blaming is about finding someone to blame for your misery. Your wife is doing it. Never “imitate” an angry woman! You have a choice, you know? Every time. When you blame, you are telling everyone that you are not in control.

5. Choose your friends carefully

Stay away from family, relatives and friends who feel sorry for you or feel negativity towards your wife. The worst thing you can do. it’s toxic. You need people to clarify why your wife left you; people who encourage you to grow.

6. Get on with your life

Keep active. Play your life for all you’re worth. Join a support group. Get in the habit of acting “normal.” Feelings always follow actions. If you wait to feel happy, you won’t.

7. Get creative with your new situation.

Read and meet healthy people. The worst form of “creativity”? Start dating right away… So many guys do that! Also, the worst form of revenge or “healing”. For starters, a woman who leaves a marriage while having the “support” of another relationship is “fucked” in the head. You don’t have to worry about where she’s headed. Again, don’t “imitate” that behavior.

8. Love your children and connect with them as if nothing ever happened.

This is hard! Do it! You can love your children and connect with them without burdening them with your emotional pain. If you have to share your pain, do so without “blaming” your mother. One of the most toxic forms of “connection” is called triangulation. That’s when you connect using another person in the process. This is one of the best times to connect with your kids, dad! Don’t lose your luck. Be honest. Share with them how you failed. Tell them how you plan to move on with your life. Cry if you have to. BE HONEST! They will love you forever!

9. CREATE YOUR NEW REALITY

Faith is incredibly powerful. Faith is the ability to believe a reality. Faith is energizing. Faith is about believing in new possibilities. Faith is believing in action. Stop dreaming or wishing things were different. She has left. Plan three things: 1. How you are going to move forward with your life. 2. Plan for your return. He plans to see her again. 3. He plans to never see her again. weird huh? Plan to see her the next day at the grocery store. He plans to see her with the other guy. Plan everything in your head. Plan not to know what is going on in her head. Plan to deal with the potential games of it. Plan to be in control of every situation like a winner, not a loser. Mental preparation is important. Think and act with control, you will be in control! Think and act like you are in control, you will be shown not to be in control!

10. Seek advice if it will help you.
Find a psychotherapist who will help you move on, not one who will get bogged down in her own business or protect her schedule. You don’t need a psychotherapist to tell you why your wife left you. Now you know! She left you because she hated your guts! What else do you need? Does her mood match reality? Whose reality? Does that mean you’re a bad guy? NO!!!! That is your reality. Leave it alone. Just take her part of the deal and walk with her because this is YOUR chance to grow.

Do men really get screwed over a divorce? Yes and no. Divorce is a symptom of a deeper problem in our culture. If it is true that 7 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women across the country, it also means that there is a lot of displaced and unspoken “male pain.” No one will come to our rescue. It is up to us to understand the bigger issues at stake and to do something about it. First, I suggest that we should become better men, thus avoiding the escalation of divorce. Good men don’t divorce and leave their families behind. I really believe this! Second, we need to teach our boys how to be good men; how to stand up and lead. Third, if the divorce has already happened, take an inventory of your life and decide that the divorce is not the end of your life. Scars can turn into stars. You can become a change agent in your own world. It is totally up to us to decide if the divorce will ruin us or not. You always have a choice. It does not matter that!