Domestic Violence: Warning Signs
It is incomprehensible to most people that the person they are dating or in love with could hurt them. Most of the time it is friends or family who initially see something. They could tell you that something is ‘not right’ in the relationship. It is estimated that more than 60% of relationships have some form of abuse.
Reports from the American Institute of Domestic Violence:
o 85-95% of all survivors of domestic violence are women
o More than 50,000 women are harassed by their intimate partner each year
o 5.3 million women are abused every year
o 1,232 women are murdered each year by their intimate partner
o Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women
o Women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know than by a stranger
Who is at risk of domestic violence?
o Women ages 20-34 and, increasingly, adolescent girls
o Women who abuse alcohol or other drugs or whose partners do not
o Women who are poor are most at risk, because they rarely have resources
o Battered women increase their risk of murder when they are on the run or are hunted down and killed after leaving. (New York City Department of Health)
Regardless of the rate of violence or who initiates the violence, women are 7 to 10 times more likely to be injured in acts of intimate violence than men. (Office of Justice Statistics).
There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of denying what others tell you and your thoughts, you should stop and observe your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.
o Do you feel discouraged or compelled to talk to family, friends, or co-workers?
o Are you jealous of your time, your career, other people in your life?
o Does your partner insist on going with you everywhere?
o Do you have to discuss activity plans, who you will be with, and why you are going to do something with him/her before you can do it?
o Does he/she play mind games?
o Are you jealous of your success?
o Do you act negatively with authority figures?
o Do you think that the man makes the decisions?
or does he insult you?
o Does he/she put you down or talk bad about you?
o Does he blame you if something goes wrong?
o Does he/she deny your opinion, feelings, ideas, etc.?
o Do you get violent when you drink alcohol?
o Do you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? While not everyone is a potential abuser if they come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional family, there are reasons to consider their long-term behavior versus their current “winning” behavior. The signs of an abusive person can be extremely subtle. Such as: Mini-outbursts of anger; frequent use; Disregard for the rights of others; Frequent negativity; Mental games; Hostility towards authority; Casting murder and/or abuse as–he/she deserved it.
o Do you use shame and/or guilt to control a situation or get your way?
o Do you lose your temper and throw things, hit objects or mistreat animals?
o Do you dismiss any act of aggression as a minor incident?
o Do you characterize domestic violence as an exaggeration or a myth?
These indicators are more than indicators: they are varying degrees of emotional abuse and a precursor to possible physical abuse.
Those who are in an abusive relationship rarely consider that they are part of the equation. In other words, it takes two people to create domestic violence. How do you fit the equation? Answer the following questions.
o Do you have low self-esteem? People who abuse others look for people they find easy to control, manipulate, and create power. Low self-esteem sets the stage.
o Do you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? As noted above, being from an abusive or highly dysfunctional family does not mean that you will attract an abuser; however, the probability is significantly high. Growing up in an abusive and/or dysfunctional home fosters the impression that the ups and downs of abuse are equated with love, after all. [your parents], who claimed to love you more emotionally and physically hurt you. And although she did not like you; so you look for someone who will give you the same ‘kind of love’, the kind that hurts, because he feels so good in the pain.
o Do you believe in traditional and stereotyped relationship roles?
o Do you accept responsibility for disagreements or arguments, other than your own behavior?
o Do you accept responsibility for your behavior to keep the peace?
o Do you walk on eggshells to keep the peace?
o Do you accept the myths about domestic violence?
o Do you say to yourself, “I can handle it, it’s not that bad.”
o Do you feel guilty if he/she gets angry or jealous?
o Do you allow yourself to be controlled because you think the person wouldn’t do it if they didn’t love you?
or Do you think that jealousy is proof of love?
o Do you think that some type of abuse is normal in an intimate relationship?
These indicators are emotional, but keep in mind that emotional abuse precedes physical abuse without exception. Emotional abuse is simply a warning sign, and if you pay attention to the warning signs, you can protect yourself by avoiding the relationship. If you’re already in the relationship, because you missed the warning signs (there are warning signs without fail), you’ll be able to pay attention to them and get out before they turn into physical abuse.
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions, you are in a relationship that could progress to physical abuse unless there is immediate and effective professional intervention. Both of you should seek professional guidance separately. Accepting that you play a role in the abuse equation and taking responsibility for your part is the first step to reconciliation, whether it’s resolving issues or parting ways with the company. Similarly, the other person must acknowledge that her behavior is not acceptable, and you must accept that she will allow you to continue abusing you if she continues in the relationship as she is.