I want my husband to reassure me while we’re apart, but he won’t.

Sometimes I hear from wives who hoped their trial separation would be a lot easier than it has been. Often the husband assures the wife that they will communicate regularly and even “hang out” while apart. But sadly, sometimes this is the promise rather than the reality. Needless to say, some wives worry about this situation and directly ask for reassurance. And some don’t get the kind of reinsurance they expected.

I heard from one wife who said, “I need to make it clear that I never wanted the separation. However, my husband would not take no for an answer. He kept repeating the same old refrain that he needed time to get ready. It was pretty clear that he really had no choice.” I had no choice but to give him his time. But I made it very clear to him that this was all against my better judgment. He assured me that it would only be temporary and that we would probably see each other regularly. He said he wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t miss each other. and connect during the separation. This is what I expected. But it’s not the reality of the situation. Talking to my estranged husband, I have to be the one to call him. Every time we see each other, I have it started and he acts upset all time. He’s not being affectionate or romantic with me. He’s not. He’s not even patient with me. The other night, I told him that this whole situation was scaring me. He replied that we were separated and he wasn’t sure what he expects ba. I told him that I hoped the situation would be better. I told him that basically I needed him to reassure me that things were going to be okay between us and that we would end up together. Basically, his response was to tell me that none of us can see the future and that we should continue to do what we are already doing and hope for the best. I am so disappointed that this is all you can offer me. Because I feel like it’s only a matter of time before my marriage is over. If you can’t even reassure me, how will you ever re-engage with me?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the next article.

Sometimes an estranged husband is hesitant to reassure you because he worries that this will limit his options or free will: Many men push for a breakup because they want to feel like they have some control over their own future decisions. So they think that if they live under the same roof as you, it will limit their ability to decide what happens. So when the separation finally comes and you in turn ask for reassurance, this can make him feel that offering that same reassurance will limit his ability to make his own decisions. I am not saying that this thought process is accurate. I’m saying it’s common. Many men don’t want to tell you it’s going to be okay because if they do, they’re worried they’ll let you lead their way instead of respecting their own ability to do so.

This does not mean that he will not eventually come back to you. But it could mean that he wants to set his own pace or that he sees your need for reassurance as simply an attempt to keep manipulating him, which brings me to my next point.

How to handle it when your estranged husband doesn’t want to offer you any peace of mind: As hard as it is to hear this, more often than not, the more you push him to make sure everything is going to be okay, the more he’ll resist doing it. Or alternatively, he can give you empty promises that you both know is only him telling you what you want to hear. So as tempting as it may be to continue demanding or asking for that reassurance, it will often only make things worse.

Instead, try to be as nice and calm as possible. Try to make sure every encounter you have ends on a positive note and then watch what happens. When you focus on the positive, you can often only see the reassuring signs and results you get. And that way, you won’t need to ask for the reassurance that’s going to frustrate both of you.

Most of the time, you can watch what’s going on or happening when you meet or talk and have a pretty good idea of ​​where things are. You can see if he is open or receptive to you. You may wonder if there are places that could still improve and act accordingly. And when you see that some behavior or action of yours elicits a positive reaction from him, then you can do more.

Some wives tell me that they think this process is a game. Perhaps they are right. But I try to share what works. And pushing to reassure him when he’s clearly reluctant to offer it often doesn’t work. Instead, you may need to get what you need by backtracking a bit to gain ground in another way. I don’t think this is a game so much as feeling your way around and responding to its signals. Pushing when there is resistance will often do more harm than good. But going back until resistance is removed is a much stronger strategy.