Shared Parenting After Divorce: Facilitating Parenting

Couples do not marry and have children in anticipation of divorce, leading to co-parenting in different households. Since more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, many children are co-parented by divorced parents. Other parents who were not married are also co-parents after separation. The emotional security and healthy guidance provided to children in these homes depends in part on co-parenting skills and the quality of the relationship between the parents and later, in many cases, the stepparents. The results for these children are very mixed, with some parents adjusting quite well to divorce or separation and others needing guidance from professionals and/or the courts. A number of factors can create confusion and emotional upset in these homes. Unresolved mental health problems of parents or stepparents, including alcohol and other substance abuse problems, can also be detrimental to children’s emotional security.

When divorced and separated parents work out negative feelings; as hurt, anger, hostility or resentment towards the other parent and/or her relationship, both past and present, without expressing these feelings with the children; a safer emotional environment is more possible. These negative residual feelings can be managed by doing therapeutic work such as; individual counseling, relationship counseling, parenting coordination or parenting facilitation where family systems issues can be addressed. It is most effective when each parent takes 100% responsibility for her part, as well as heals their own personal and family system problems. In addition to resolving negative feelings, learning to respectfully communicate with the other parent and/or stepparent is also possible and helpful during such therapeutic work.

Part of respectful communication is the use of what are commonly called “I Statements.” The use of “I-Statements” makes each parent responsible for their own thoughts and feelings. I suggest using “you” at the beginning of sentences in which one has something specifically positive to say. What many parents do is make assumptions and accusations about the other parent and thus blame the other parent, instead of respectfully clarifying what the parent has said or done. Communication between parents often improves during therapeutic work when parents are “coached” to focus on their joint goals, interests, and objectives for their children; taught to communicate respectfully, each being responsible for their own communications and behavior; encouraged to be 100% responsible for their own part in conflicts; taught each to keep their own communications and behaviors healthy; and stay away from the corners of what is called the “Dramatic Triangle.” Versions of this triangle or other triangles are widely used in therapeutic work. The concept of a dramatic triangle comes specifically from Stephen Karpman’s “transactional analysis” (TA). The three corners of the triangle are Persecutor, Victim, and Savior. In therapeutic work, parents learn how to stay away from the corners of the triangle and how to choose healthier behavior, which in turn creates even more emotional security, not only for children, but also for parents.

In addition to staying out of the corners of the “Dramatic Triangle,” parents and stepparents who wish to create a healthy emotional environment for children entrusted to their care are encouraged to adhere to the “Children’s Bill of Rights.” The Children’s Bill of Rights is a list of 35 children’s rights that are now mandated in divorce decrees and other lawsuits affecting parent-child relationships. A full list of these rights can be obtained online. Generally the rights include;

• be able to communicate with each parent to know they exist, and have healthy relationships and experiences with them and their extended family;

• not listen to abusive or vulgar language, arguments, negotiations or discussions of legal or business matters between the parents, criticism of the other parent or their extended family;

• not be physically or psychologically pressured or influenced into having a particular opinion about the other parent or their choices in life;

• be able to display photographs and have other items that remind the child of the other parent and/or extended family, including gifts and greeting cards;

• know that they have two houses;

• not be questioned about the other parent or your home;

• not be used as a messenger between the parents or as an “ally” against the other parent;

• not be asked by one parent to be disobedient to the other parent or rewarded for acting negatively toward the other parent;

• not be transported by an intoxicated person or be in the presence of any person intoxicated by alcohol, illegal drug or prescription drug abuse;

• not be in the same interior structure or vehicle with anyone smoking or using any tobacco materials;

• not be scheduled for events, during the other parent’s parenting time, without the other parent’s prior consent.

If parents realize that they are not adhering to these rights or have been behaving in a way that makes things difficult for their children, they can make changes at any time and apologize to their children and the other parent.

Corrections to parenting misbehavior are beneficial anytime there is improvement. The sooner these corrections are made and the family takes a better path, the less emotional damage will be. If these corrections are not made, the children will not feel emotionally safe and the parents may end up in front of a judge, who will hold them accountable for making these changes and order them to attend therapy sessions, parenting coordination, or parenting facilitation. If parents with parenting issues are not litigious and want to make these changes, they can get family therapy and/or parenting coordination services. If divorced or separated parents have a history of many court appearances, parenting facilitation services are used more often.