The counterfeit: an obstacle to the real thing!
Ladies, I am going to start this article with an admission: I am a shopaholic! Buying shoes is one of my favorite hobbies. Later, during one of my shopping excursions, I received the meat for this item. At one of my favorite department stores, I found a pair of simply beautiful, pointed toe, “brand name” brown ankle boots with a slender 3-inch heel, which were on sale, by the way. To my surprise, sitting on the same shelf, was an identical pair of “no brand” brown ankle boots that were priced fifty percent less. I tried them both on, both were equally attractive and both seemed comfortable. The main difference was that the “name mark” was made of leather and the “no name mark” was all man-made material. In fact, the leather was more flexible, supple and soft; however, I chose to buy the one that would save me the most money.
The next day, I put on my “no brand” boots and headed out for a busy day at work followed by an eventful social evening that required me to be on my feet for several hours. In the middle of the day, I began to regret my decision to buy the “no brand” shoes. My feet started to hurt so much! The longer it stood, the tighter this man-made material began to feel. I began to remember how soft and supple “name brand” shoes felt on my feet and began to think about one of the characteristics of leather. Leather generally softens as you wear it, rather than hardening. Oh how, I really wish I had spent the extra dollars to buy the name brand shoes because it cost me more in other areas in the long run. What looked good, and felt good at first, was now causing me great pain. I had to face the revelation that I had settled for the fake.
I decided to go back and buy the “name brand” shoes, but you guessed it, they were no longer available. Ladies, how many of us have “missed opportunities” to experience the real thing because we settle for the fake?
During one of my conversations with my spiritual mother, Eloise Rump, about my desire for companionship, she said, “Baby, be careful! Fakes always come before the real thing!” I chuckled to myself and said, “Well, I’m really going to have something real soon because I’ve had a number of fake encounters. Little did I know the ‘ultimate fake’ experience was just around the corner!”
Ladies, have you ever met the man you thought was your “soul mate”? He had all the makings of your “romantic wish list.” You know that “must do” checklist we mentally pull out when meeting a man! The first and foremost requirement on my “bucket list” is spirituality: you must have a relationship with God. Well, this man “quoted the scriptures” and spoke lovingly about the Lord. Ladies, he enlightened me that mother quoting scripture is not an infallible indication that a person has a “personal” relationship with God; the true indication is whether that person lives/remains in what he speaks.” Call me Missouri, show me, as well as tell me!
My second requirement is that you have to have a pretty decent job. Well, he had an exceptionally high six-figure salary, so he exceeded that requirement. He certainly had the finer personal possessions: a nice house, a fancy car, and other nice comforts too. Although I love pretty things, this requirement is not at the top of my list. However, at this point in my life, financial security is important to me and he seems to fit that bill.
Of course, my third requirement is that I preferred him handsome. I feel like I’m an attractive sister, so I want someone to compliment me. I know it sounds like vanity, but admit, ladies, most of us dream of having a Denzel Washington or a Shemar Moore in our lives. Remember, this is my “bucket list”! Ladies, I must tell you that this man is fine, fine, fine! To me, he has facial attributes comparable to Denzel Washington but a darker undertone and the physique of Ving Rhimes, both of which are on my “beauties” list! (I’m single, I can dream!)
Last but not least, one of my main attributes is that my potential partner has to be a great conversationalist. I love good conversation. It excites me when a man can articulate his feelings with me! I love a man who is confident and sure of himself. I love a man who is wise and implants pearls of wisdom that enrich my life. Well ladies, this man stimulated me intellectually with his extensive knowledge of national, international and cultural affairs. My God, he looked perfect, just like my “no name” brand of boots. But as time went on, I realized that what appeared to be “perfect” was actually a fake.
The first revelation was that although this man seemed bold and confident, and like he was completely in charge of his life, he was carrying baggage from his past. A man who has not forgiven, forgotten or renounced his past will not free himself to start something new. He has not given himself permission to love without inhibitions again, as he loved before that “one” hurt him. In fact, he’s made a promise that no one will ever get that close to him to EVER hurt him again, like she did, so he’s encased in a protective shield. He has what I describe in my first book The Art of Forgiveness-Turtle Mindset. He only sticks his head out to a certain point and then withdraws or throws up the red flag of caution when he discovers that his affections run too deep. His behavior is inconsistent: one day he is loving, friendly, smiling and talkative. Yet, without warning, you don’t hear from him for days: he doesn’t call you, he doesn’t email you, he doesn’t text you, nothing. Face it ladies, you can’t compete with a ghost. Yes, I said ghost! Merriam Webster (online) defines “ghost” as the spirit of a dead person, especially one believed to physically resemble living persons or to haunt former habitats. Answers.com defines “ghost” as a memory or image that returns.
What I’m trying to say is when you interact with this person; in reality, there are three people always present: you, him and her (the ghost). Although the relationship appears to be dead, the memories of her are very much alive. This threatening image of her and the residue of the pain she previously imposed on him comes back, haunts him and affects her potential relationships. There may be a look, a word, an action, unknown to you, that may cause him to retreat into that shell because he looks like “her.” An attempt to validate his actions might sound like, “I’m happy with my life the way it is, I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself, and I’m okay with that!” Another explanation, “I went out with ‘my boys’ to shoot some hoops.” My interpretation of these excuses is “I like you and I’m afraid you’ll get too close and hurt me like she did; I can’t let that happen, so I’d rather avoid contact with you and spend time with ‘my boys’, or in the case of my fake, he spent time with his son. Both of these incidents, whether spending time with “the kids” or with a child, is a setback to safety and doesn’t require risking his feelings. We see the setback as a rejection, which puts us on a mental emotional roller coaster because we don’t know what to do with this sudden change in behavior, we look for some kind of fault in ourselves that may have set it back, not realizing how many unresolved problems it carries and doesn’t help. has communicated to you, that’s verbally anyway.
In any case, unless you make an attempt to commit to the relationship; there is no REAL relationship; it’s false; and before you know it, it will start to make you uncomfortable, just like my unbranded shoes. The longer you stay in the situation, the tighter it will become. The tighter it gets; more damage and pain you will feel. But if you wait for the “real thing,” he’ll be soft and supple, easy to beg, and a joy to be around. There are no relationships without problems; But when you have two committed people who are ready and willing to work together, free of baggage and ghosts, you’ll have a comfortable fit that lasts. Ladies, don’t settle for fake. As the latest duos, Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, put it: There’s nothing like the real thing, baby! Wear the right shoes for the trip!