The unspeakable loss: the death of an adult son

This article is one that I have thought about writing about for quite some time, but have put it off due to the personal nature of the material and the intense feelings associated with it.

However, it is time. I feel ready.

The subject is too important to wait any longer to write about it. The recent death of Carrie Fisher and her mom, Debbie Reynold’s reaction, and then her subsequent death a day later, forced me to write about what it’s like for a parent to lose an adult child to death.

This is not supposed to happen

For many parents, it is unnatural for an adult child to leave this earth before their parents. I remember very clearly that three years ago I saw my own mother dealing with the devastating death of her son, my brother.

The death of someone we love is always deeply painful, but there is something even more emotionally horrible about a parent losing their own child.

So many distressing thoughts and unanswered questions can haunt us.

• “How could this be?”

• “I am not ready.”

• “Why him / her and not me?”

• “This is not supposed to happen.”

The devastation and disbelief that we can survive our own adult child is unfathomable. The idea that this cannot be happening, that this is not supposed to happen this way is overwhelming and often debilitating.

It is unbearable to think that one of the dreams of our life, to have a child to love, nurture and care for, that this dream has ended, is unbearable.

The loss of my son

For many of us, wishing and planning for a child and a family is one of the most important and joyous decisions we make in life. Therefore, losing our child at any age, this essential part of our family, often magnifies feelings and complicates grief.

Dealing with any loss, enduring any pain is enormous, but there is something about the loss of a child that magnifies the feelings experienced during the grieving process. This includes denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.

“Part may occur simply because there is little recognition of the powerful bond that exists between parents and children even though the child is adult and independent.” – Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., professor of psychology and principal consultant for the Hospice Foundation of America.

Sympathy for loss often focuses on the spouse and / or their children and not the parents of the adult child. Therefore, there may be a feeling of lack of support for your pain. The parent of the adult child may feel a lack of control if the spouse is handling the details of the burial and funeral.

As an aging parent, the loss of an adult child is just one more loss that adds to the many that age endures and further complicates the grieving process.

What is my purpose?

Questioning one’s purpose in life is very natural when changing one’s role and taking away the anticipated joy of seeing a child fulfill his life goals. “How can I go on?”