Alcoholism: a perception of a clear mind with both eyes focused

When I tried to get clean and sober, I knew I had to give up the friends I’d partyed with for years. That didn’t sound so easy. I knew what my friends would say. Some of their comments would be, “you can just have a couple, you don’t have to get drunk” or “you can still hang out with us and you don’t have to drink alcohol, you can have soda or coffee and you can be our designated driver.” His ideas are not going to work for me and many other alcoholics. Recovering alcoholics are going to have to hang out with people who don’t drink. Hanging out with your drinking friends is often short-lived. The relapses are quite real.

As in my case, some friends will make fun of you and think that you are too good for them. I had a childhood friend who would take the bottle to his mouth and drink it in front of me as close as he could, and then he would gesture to me to give me his bottle to share. I knew that I was in my early stages of sobriety and that I was vulnerable. Needless to say, he’s not my friend anymore, and I’ve known him all my life. Friends and acquaintances will be cruel, so a person must be on guard.

Then there are some real friends who care. I have a friend who drinks but he is not an alcoholic. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him drunk. He drinks responsibly. He knows I stock my fridge with a few beers, but he’s also considerate enough not to get drunk or upset with me. Usually he turns down my offer of a beer. He will drink bottled water with me. These are the kind of friends to keep. The beer I have at home is no longer a temptation, so I save it for responsible guests.

I was devastated when I made the commitment to stop drinking. I don’t even know myself. What if I don’t like myself? I was terrified of being clean and sober. I wondered how boring my social life would get. I thought of the friends I would no longer have. I thought about the fun I wouldn’t have anymore. The idea of ​​socializing with sober people terrifies me. The thought of going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and being honest about myself terrifies me. I was scared to death of sobriety.

I think most alcoholics, early in their recovery, are afraid of the idea of ​​getting clean and sober. It was the ultimate culture shock for me. I drank since I was 14 years old. He was an alcoholic at 22 years old. Then I kept drinking until I was 50 years old. During all those years of drinking, I probably stopped drinking only three or four times. The longest period of abstinence was just 60 days, and 30 of those were spent in jail or an inpatient treatment center.

My life story, as an alcoholic, is no different than most other alcoholics. We all have a lot in common, some are more severe than others. We are not unique. To put it mildly, we are all myopic and create our own problems. We blame other people and dwell on the past. We hate ourselves as we hate other people. We hate our addiction and we do nothing about it. We abuse our health and laugh about it. We complain like there is no tomorrow. Our life sucks, the law sucks, our boss is a jerk, and our girlfriend or wife is taking us to an early grave.

It wasn’t until age 50, and eleven DUIs later, that I finally took a hard look at my life and wondered where it was going. I focused my cloudy lens. It was July 4, 2003 when I went on a solo mission to go camping. I think of a place by a lake. I always feel serene when there is a lake, river, stream, ocean or mountains nearby. I did my usual custom. I searched and found a bar near my camp. My general rule of thumb was that there had to be a drinking establishment nearby. He very rarely drank alone. I never understood why people would want to drink alone. Getting drunk alone was not my cup of tea, or alcohol.

As I was drinking my beer at the bar, I noticed that there was no one else at the bar but me. I thought how many times this has happened. It’s a party again, another reason to drink. The setting was no different than before: a bartender watching television in this dark and silent bar. Here I am again, drinking beer to get drunk and stupid. It’s a beautiful day outside, warm and sunny. Other people are enjoying the weather and I am in a dark and smelly tavern. I was thinking how stupid this really is. I remembered a song from the Charlie Daniels band. The lyrics went like this: “Sitting on a stool, acting like a fucking fool, that’s what I’m doing today. Sitting here drinking and trying to keep myself thinking that I’m drinking to keep my troubles away. Me another, I think I’m done with the another. I’m saying goodbye to my baby.”

I had been drinking more than ever since my last DUI about two months ago. He had not yet been sentenced and was looking forward to my day in court very soon. I had been defying the law to get me arrested again. I was out of control and I couldn’t care less. He had been driving drunk every weekend and I had passed out. He could barely remember anything.

Today seemed very different than ever before. She hadn’t planned to stop drinking this day; in fact, it just happened that way. I left the bar, near my camp, after drinking only one beer. I thought I might come back later tonight for the party, but I didn’t. I stayed in the camp and prayed and hoped that one day soon I would stop drinking. I never thought this would be the day. I was never one of those who prayed so often. But today, I felt like the ever-so-popular cliché belonged to me: “I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.” I never had another drink of alcohol that day, and haven’t had since. This was a 4th of July to remember–independence Day, my independence from alcohol

As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, then years, I felt like I had put my demons to rest. I enjoyed feeling healthy. Gone are the days of being sick and hungover for four days, the reward for one day of being crushed. It was getting to that point: one day drinking, four days sick. Alcoholism had affected me a lot.

I looked back at my previous behavior pattern and made sure I didn’t fall or fail, as I did so many times before. I made it a point not to lecture or brag to everyone I met, telling them I kicked the habit. I humbled myself by taking one day at a time, one day at a time. My thoughts were clear now and my priorities in order.

I stopped drinking at the right time, but it was many years behind schedule. The laws were changing. He didn’t smoke in bars. The alternative was to smoke outside or go to the Indian-controlled casinos. When I stopped drinking, I also stopped smoking. Drinking and smoking went hand in hand with me. I relapsed in my quest to not smoke, twice. I can’t believe how stinky the bars and taverns were. I never went smoking in my house or in my car, but my clothes still reeked of smoke. I had been spraying my clothes with Febreeze–was the only answer for stinky clothes.

If a person believes that being clean and sober will completely change their world for the better, they are foolish. Discussions with his loved ones will remain. When I sobered up, I realized how she really was my girlfriend, so we broke up and I went our separate ways. That was the first and only time sobriety was at fault. My other relationships through the years of drinking always ended because of me, every single one of them.

After about a year and a half into my sobriety, I was involved in a car accident, my fault. I turned in front of a car I didn’t see. I was unable to yield the right of way. Accidents still happen when you’re sober. This time, my old stink thinking attitude wasn’t there. If I had been drinking I would have been arrested for DUI and taken to jail. Then, when they released me, it meant getting drunk and carousing, drinking my troubles in a sea of ​​illusions. Shit still happens when you don’t drink. Of course, in my drinking days, I would have confessed that I drove better drunk than straight.

When I drank my pattern was accurate and demonstrated to the fullest. If I had to go out to do my laundry, I would make sure there was a laundromat next to a tavern or bar. When I had to have my car checked, it was better if there was a bar next door or across the street. I couldn’t imagine going to a sporting event or a concert without drinking alcohol. There were times when I couldn’t remember any of them. How stupid is that? Then, of course, my intention to have a partner led to sometimes 8 hours or more of drinking. All the bars and taverns he frequented might as well have had a clock to strike. This is how I made up my rules. It was my second job.

When I stopped drinking, my social life became lonely. I felt lonely at first. This time he didn’t want to get into a relationship. It seemed like I was just eating, working, and sleeping, 24/7. It seemed very strange. If I were to make this sober life of mine, it would be on my own terms, and it has worked. The more days he sobered up, the better it was.

when my wife bobby, died of cancer, in 2001, I sank into a deep, dark depression. The grief of my loss was too much to handle. I started drinking a lot to forget the anguish and pain. She was my whole world. How could this happen? Am I doomed to the bottle for life? If there is a God, why did he allow this to happen? Surely God knew the improvement she made in my life. When I married her, I controlled my drinking, but not all the time. Bobbie did not approve of drinking and driving. She despised anyone who did. bobby It was the best thing that happened to me. I always chose my women that I was involved with who either didn’t drink at all or drank responsibly. He couldn’t stand a drunk woman. I’d make small talk at the bar, but that’s about it.

On November 13, 2005, my older brother, Brand, he passed away very slowly and painfully, from alcoholism. She continued to drink, despite her doctor’s orders. She had full-blown cirrhosis of the liver. His last drink was five days before he bled to death. He was only 55 years old.

On August 1, 1975, my older brother, Donald, He put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. I was the one who found it. He was intoxicated and depressed the day he died. He was a full-blown alcoholic. He was only 36 years old.

There are wonderful things that have happened to me since I stopped drinking. My attendance at work improved a lot. My quality and quantity of work stood out. I felt like I didn’t need to smoke. I slept better. I looked better. My health was restored. My depression improved. I went on a real vacation by myself. I had never done that before. I have discovered many good things about myself. My hobbies became more important to me. I suddenly took a renewed interest in writing, photography, gardening, camping, and fishing. I have enjoyed listening to music and organizing my library of music, books, and movies. I learned to use a computer, now I can’t stay out of it. I bought three guitars and a keyboard to learn to play and write songs. I own and manage three websites. And last but not least, I am writing articles on the internet and I am writing a book about my life and my struggles with alcoholism, depression and grief.

There are so many positive things about being a recovering alcoholic. The world around me seems much better to me. I feel at peace with myself. I no longer hate myself or those around me. I enjoy the easy and simple ways of living. I will continue to enjoy the serenity of sobriety, with a clear mind and both eyes focused.