The Relationship Game – Checkmate or Checkmate?
A few days ago, I was watching a TV show (which I don’t remember) and one of the characters said, “When someone says NO and the other person refuses to accept the NO and tries to turn it into a YES, then you are being manipulated. “. For some reason, those words have been echoing in my mind ever since. And, as I write, I wonder why such an enduring reverberation.
Do they resonate because I remember those times when I didn’t accept the NO, or do I remember those times when my NO was ignored? Am I the manipulator or the manipulator? Maybe, it doesn’t really matter which one I’ve been… just that I’m noticing my reaction.
For me, a breakthrough in creating loving relationships means having the courage to be honest. Being honest in a relationship means taking full ownership of your NOs (and YESes). And, it is this precise topic that I consider my life to be a relationship master class. In this master class I have made great strides and have failed miserably.
Maybe you can relate.
There have been times in my life when I have owned my NOs, or rather, I have shoved them down my partner’s throat. In those times I was so clear (strict) about what I would or would not do, that perhaps my partner felt ignored. Conversely, there were other times when I was so (invisible) accommodating to my personal boundaries that any NO could quickly turn into a YES, if I could articulate it at all.
“I have real, real, low self esteem for sale and am looking to buy unconditional love at prime prices! Is anyone listening? AT GREAT PRICES!!!” Looking back, I can see that my entire life has been a search for balance. Balanced in the sense that I allow myself the freedom to say/do what I want AND include my partner as an important part of my life and decision-making process. But more than that, I want to cultivate a relationship where my partner can clearly articulate what they want, and I would immediately create a space of acceptance.
The problem is that sometimes I don’t really know what I want. Sometimes what I want depends on what I “think” my partner wants. Sometimes what I want is influenced by what I “think” would make my partner happy. So in other words, it may not be what I would want, but maybe just because it’s something Michal wants, maybe I should check it out? Or maybe, the truth is, I allow myself to say YES to some things I really don’t want to, just so I can one day say, “Remember that one thing I really didn’t want to do, and I did.” in any case? Well today I’m calling my bookmarks.”
You know the system I’m referring to, don’t you? The CSR, or as it is more commonly known: The Relationship Exchange.- The relationship wholesale barter system that we use as a clearinghouse for our relationship credits and debits. This tacit system, with volumes and indices as high as the New York Stock Exchange; It is used every day to exchange relationship products. Looking back on your own life, it might not be hard to imagine yourself as a frantic CSR trader yelling, “I have real, real, low self-esteem on sale, and I’m looking to buy unconditional love at the top.” Shelf prices! Is anyone listening? SUPERIOR PRICES!!!”
If you’ve been a constant reader of my blog, you’ve probably noticed that my usual pattern is to end things pretty neatly. However, this week, I realize that I’m not really motivated to find a way to “package” it that well and deliver it to you. This week, I want to leave you (and myself with a question). The question is, “What do you want?”
In my work with people, it has been my experience that those four simple words can be extremely intimidating. They are overwhelming. They are relentless. They are insisting. And, they leave no doubt as to their intent…
WHAT = hints at the infinite possibility of answers. DO = sets “something” in motion. YOU = puts the spotlight on YOU and ignores everyone else. WANT = requires the articulation of an impulse, desire or desire. When you think of the question that way, it’s no wonder those words often stop us in our tracks. The implication of the question is that anything YOU wish/want/expect can be set in motion, given the scope of universal natural laws. The implication is that we are infinitely powerful, but we often feel small, insignificant, and victimized. The implication is that, in our relationships, we have stopped relating to each other (and to ourselves) and have instead equated relationships as a game of manipulate or be manipulated.
So for now, start opening yourself up to the possibility of a breakthrough in creating love relationships by asking yourself the question honestly. And, when the question is asked, stop and see if your automatic answers are honest. Check to see if when you ask someone what they want, you leave room for them to be honest with you. And another thing, sometimes the person we have been manipulating all these long years is ourselves!